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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Court Rules Loughner Can Be Forcibly Medicated

A U.S. court of appeals ruled that Jared Loughner, who attempted to kill Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) last year, could continue to be medicated against his will. What do you think?

  • "Why would you put him on medication? He seems happy the way he is."

    Jessie Patterson Hull Inspector
  • "Instead of medicating him, they should just ignore him until he feels stupid."

    Devin Scipio Systems Analyst
  • “Geez, some fellas just can’t seem to catch a break.”

    Oren Kelly Unemployed

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