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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Court Rules Loughner Can Be Forcibly Medicated

A U.S. court of appeals ruled that Jared Loughner, who attempted to kill Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) last year, could continue to be medicated against his will. What do you think?

  • "Why would you put him on medication? He seems happy the way he is."

    Jessie Patterson Hull Inspector
  • "Instead of medicating him, they should just ignore him until he feels stupid."

    Devin Scipio Systems Analyst
  • “Geez, some fellas just can’t seem to catch a break.”

    Oren Kelly Unemployed

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