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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Court Upbraids Texas Over Polygamists

A Texas appeals court ruled that the state had no business taking more than 400 children from a polygamist compound outside of San Angelo. What do you think?
  • "It's just nobody's business what polygamists do behind closed compound walls."

    Chuck Gilberto Systems Analyst
  • "That's too bad. The children who'd been removed from the compound were just getting used to iPods and the Internet and not getting raped."

    Astrid Patch Grocer
  • "The same thing happened to me but with fireworks. Can I get those back, too?"

    Karl Hayes Satellite TV Installer

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