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Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Cows Instinctively Know North

German and Czech researchers have discovered that cows tend to align themselves in a north-south direction when grazing or resting. What do you think?
  • "People, people, there's no need to panic. They haven't learned east and west yet."

    Tom Posdal Research Marketing Partner
  • "Only when they're grazing or resting? Are there other cow activities of which I'm unaware?"

    Daphne Mussey Systems Analyst
  • "That's sad. If I could sit just one cow down and reveal to it the beauty of a sunrise or a sunset, I'd feel like I made a real difference."

    Carl Craig Security Alarm Installer

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