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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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COX-2 Inhibitors

The FDA is currently deciding whether to restrict the use of COX-2 inhibitors, the widely used class of pain drugs which includes Vioxx. What do you think?
  • "Jesus, a couple people's hearts explode, and everyone goes nuts."

    Sylvia Drake Podiatrist
  • "I'm confused. How did they separate the effects of Vioxx from the other 1,372 things that give Americans heart attacks?"

    Carson Bloom Systems Analyst
  • "I hope the invisible hand of capitalism is trained in CPR."

    Joe Moran Plasterer
  • "Hey, what about all the horrible side effects these drugs don't cause?"

    Eric Baumgartner Sound Producer
  • "I wondered why that Celebrex TV ad showed an old guy in the middle of a sun-drenched wheat field having a heart attack."

    Pat Adkins Prison Guard
  • "They're gonna ban COX-2 inhibitors? But that's my third-favorite class of painkillers."

    Lisa Layman Urban Planner

More from this section

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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