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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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COX-2 Inhibitors

The FDA is currently deciding whether to restrict the use of COX-2 inhibitors, the widely used class of pain drugs which includes Vioxx. What do you think?
  • "Jesus, a couple people's hearts explode, and everyone goes nuts."

    Sylvia Drake Podiatrist
  • "I'm confused. How did they separate the effects of Vioxx from the other 1,372 things that give Americans heart attacks?"

    Carson Bloom Systems Analyst
  • "I hope the invisible hand of capitalism is trained in CPR."

    Joe Moran Plasterer
  • "Hey, what about all the horrible side effects these drugs don't cause?"

    Eric Baumgartner Sound Producer
  • "I wondered why that Celebrex TV ad showed an old guy in the middle of a sun-drenched wheat field having a heart attack."

    Pat Adkins Prison Guard
  • "They're gonna ban COX-2 inhibitors? But that's my third-favorite class of painkillers."

    Lisa Layman Urban Planner
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