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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Craigslist Stops Running Erotic Services Ads

In light of recent controversy, including the case of the "Craigslist killer," the Internet classified service announced it was eliminating its erotic services category. What do you think?
  • "Even without Craigslist, people are still going to find a way to either murder or get murdered during sex."

    Barbara Hanan Systems Analyst
  • "Good. I'm tired of all those inappropriate responses whenever I try to find a waterskiing partner."

    Robert Margolin Highway Maintenance Worker
  • "Yeah, since they removed all the postings, I'd just like to use this opportunity to say that if any uncut twinks are looking for rough service, I'll be in room 241 at the Radisson tonight."

    Jonathan Miller Massage Therapist
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