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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Crane Collapse Delays National Cathedral Repair

A 500-ton crane set up to repair earthquake damage at the National Cathedral in Washington collapsed Wednesday, damaging several cars and a nearby building, but sparing the church itself. What do you think?

  • "Once again God expresses His disapproval of the sinful creations of Hollywood. Because, you know, they use cranes for shooting movies."

    Beth Popple Systems Analyst
  • "I sense the intervention of a merciful God in this. Well, after He fucked up and let the earthquake damage the cathedral in the first place."

    Chris Evans Unemployed
  • "That other building wasn't Dr. Philips' Dental Clinic, was it? Because I have an appointment tomorrow morning."

    Tommy Innes Amalgamator

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