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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Crane Collapse Delays National Cathedral Repair

A 500-ton crane set up to repair earthquake damage at the National Cathedral in Washington collapsed Wednesday, damaging several cars and a nearby building, but sparing the church itself. What do you think?

  • "Once again God expresses His disapproval of the sinful creations of Hollywood. Because, you know, they use cranes for shooting movies."

    Beth Popple
    Systems Analyst
  • "I sense the intervention of a merciful God in this. Well, after He fucked up and let the earthquake damage the cathedral in the first place."

    Chris Evans
    Unemployed
  • "That other building wasn't Dr. Philips' Dental Clinic, was it? Because I have an appointment tomorrow morning."

    Tommy Innes
    Amalgamator
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