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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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‘Crazy’ Ants Swarm Across Southeastern U.S.

An invasive species known as crazy ants is rapidly crowding out fire ant species in the Southeast, causing havoc by invading homes, nesting in walls, and damaging appliances and electrical equipment by swarming inside of them. What do you think?

  • “We need to, as a society, understand why our ants have gone crazy.”

    Richard Judge Harpsichord Maker
  • “The caste system, the slave raids, the polymorphism—being an ant is enough to drive anyone crazy.”

    Yvonne Cowland Soils Engineer
  • “Shit. That’s better than crazy skeeters, though.”

    Barry Kelly Upholstery Cleaner

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