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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Creationists Stall South Carolina ‘State Fossil’ Bill

Following the passage of a bill by South Carolina House legislators designating the Columbian Mammoth as the state’s official fossil, two senators decided to amend the bill by adding verses from the Book of Genesis declaring God the creator of all animals. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, it’s about time God got his due.”

    Aaron Merkle Estate Steward
  • “It’s important to get this bill right. I mean, this is the state fossil we’re talking about here.”

    Graham Wallace Private Investigator
  • “See, this is why we can’t have fossils.”

    Candace Bergeron Towel Rack Assembler

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