Creationists Stall South Carolina ‘State Fossil’ Bill

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Vol 50 Issue 13

Cereal Box Characters Lure Children In With Their Eyes

According to new research, the cartoon “spokescharacters” on cereal boxes are purposefully drawn with their stares angled downward to make eye contact with young children, which researchers say raises the trust level between kids and the carto...

Coco Crisp Shyly Asks Bob Melvin If A’s Are Poor

OAKLAND, CA—Upon realizing that opponents always seem to have better facilities, equipment, and players, team sources confirmed Friday that Oakland A’s outfielder Coco Crisp approached manager Bob Melvin and quietly asked whether their team wa...

Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags

COLUMBUS, OH—Following an evening spent out at a local brewpub, area man Patrick Fitzgerald took the initiative Wednesday night to invite local woman Alicia Powell up to his apartment to see his glaring red flags, sources confirmed.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Creationists Stall South Carolina ‘State Fossil’ Bill

Following the passage of a bill by South Carolina House legislators designating the Columbian Mammoth as the state’s official fossil, two senators decided to amend the bill by adding verses from the Book of Genesis declaring God the creator of all animals. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, it’s about time God got his due.”

    Aaron Merkle
    Estate Steward
  • “It’s important to get this bill right. I mean, this is the state fossil we’re talking about here.”

    Graham Wallace
    Private Investigator
  • “See, this is why we can’t have fossils.”

    Candace Bergeron
    Towel Rack Assembler
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