Crippled Cruise Ship Docking Today

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Crippled Cruise Ship Docking Today

A crippled cruise ship owned by the Carnival Corporation was towed to the Seychelles after a fire broke out in the engine room and knocked out power, resulting in the second major accident for the company in the past six weeks. What do you think?

  • “They must be gearing up for something really big for their 100th anniversary tribute to the sinking of the Titanic this April 15."

    Carly Burns
    Loft Worker
  • “Hey, give them a break! What about the thousands of passengers they haven’t killed or scared the shit out of?”

    Adam Flynn
    Window Repairer
  • “Hopefully the entertainer-hypnotist from the nightly 7:30 p.m. post-buffet shows was able to convince everyone they were still having a good time."

    Roy Walker
    Unemployed