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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Crippled Cruise Ship Docking Today

A crippled cruise ship owned by the Carnival Corporation was towed to the Seychelles after a fire broke out in the engine room and knocked out power, resulting in the second major accident for the company in the past six weeks. What do you think?

  • “They must be gearing up for something really big for their 100th anniversary tribute to the sinking of the Titanic this April 15."

    Carly Burns Loft Worker
  • “Hey, give them a break! What about the thousands of passengers they haven’t killed or scared the shit out of?”

    Adam Flynn Window Repairer
  • “Hopefully the entertainer-hypnotist from the nightly 7:30 p.m. post-buffet shows was able to convince everyone they were still having a good time."

    Roy Walker Unemployed
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