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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Crocodile Hunter Dead At 44

Steve Irwin, star of Discovery Channel’s The Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray while filming in Australia. What do you think?
  • "Shocking! Who knew a single stingray could take down a cable channel 10 times its size?"

    Mike Sanders Janitor
  • "Man, talk about stinging the heart that pumps the blood to the hand that feeds you."

    Janelle Silvers Media Analyst
  • "Called it! Four years ago, I saw him handle a black mamba, and I turned to my wife and said, 'I bet he's going to die one day,' and sure enough, he died."

    Thomas Wright Bike Repairperson

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