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Crystal Cathedral Sold

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Crystal Cathedral Sold

The Crystal Cathedral, the Orange County, CA megachurch started by televangelist Robert Schuller, has been sold to an investment group so the church can restructure its debt. What do you think?

  • "Not surprised the Crystal Cathedral is bankrupt. I only go into megachurches if I want to pick up a little affirmation or need a few Bible verses."

    Keith LaBoe Ware Tester
  • "Since Rev. Schuller stopped broadcasting, I've discovered Rabbi Leibowitz and the Diamond Synagogue are better at fulfilling my spiritual needs."

    Elizabeth Viner De-Alcoholizer
  • "My prayers have been answered! Someone talked to me today! Thanks!"

    Gerry Epps Unemployed

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