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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Crystal Cathedral Sold

The Crystal Cathedral, the Orange County, CA megachurch started by televangelist Robert Schuller, has been sold to an investment group so the church can restructure its debt. What do you think?

  • "Not surprised the Crystal Cathedral is bankrupt. I only go into megachurches if I want to pick up a little affirmation or need a few Bible verses."

    Keith LaBoe Ware Tester
  • "Since Rev. Schuller stopped broadcasting, I've discovered Rabbi Leibowitz and the Diamond Synagogue are better at fulfilling my spiritual needs."

    Elizabeth Viner De-Alcoholizer
  • "My prayers have been answered! Someone talked to me today! Thanks!"

    Gerry Epps Unemployed
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