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Crystal Returns To Oscars

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Crystal Returns To Oscars

After Eddie Murphy backed out of hosting the Academy Awards last week, his fellow Saturday Night Live alum Billy Crystal agreed once again to assume Oscar-emcee duties. What do you think?

  • "I was hoping they were just going to cancel the Oscars this year."

    Mark Krebbs Systems Analyst
  • "Naturally. I saw him in The Princess Bride just the other day, and boy is he looking great!"

    Louise Tenner Electrologist
  • "It looks like Crystal’s plan for branching out into other national motion picture awards ceremonies didn’t pan out."

    Liam Garrett Knock-Up Assembler

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