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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Crystal's Return To Oscars

Billy Crystal’s return to hosting duties at the Academy Awards on Sunday night received mixed reviews. What do you think?

  • "I really wanted to see him, but it took forever waiting for that kindly old gent to get off the stage so Crystal could start."

    David Vogel Feed Blender
  • "If that was Billy Crystal, who's Penelope Cruz?"

    Rosanna Hansen Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, no! I missed it! Did anyone happen to tape it on their VCR?"

    Stephen Soares Retired
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