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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Crystal's Return To Oscars

Billy Crystal’s return to hosting duties at the Academy Awards on Sunday night received mixed reviews. What do you think?

  • "I really wanted to see him, but it took forever waiting for that kindly old gent to get off the stage so Crystal could start."

    David Vogel Feed Blender
  • "If that was Billy Crystal, who's Penelope Cruz?"

    Rosanna Hansen Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, no! I missed it! Did anyone happen to tape it on their VCR?"

    Stephen Soares Retired

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