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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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CVS, 7-Eleven Ban ‘Rolling Stone’ Issue Featuring Tsarnaev

Numerous retailers, including CVS, Walgreens, and 7-Eleven, said they will not sell the new issue of Rolling Stone featuring a tousle-haired Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on its cover, which many have protested for treating the Boston Marathon bombing suspect like a celebrity. What do you think?

  • “Finally, the nation’s moral arbiters take a decisive stance.”

    Beverly Hoover Bear Keeper
  • “I’ve been done with them ever since they put Phish on the cover.”

    Aaron Woolway Light Bulb Tester
  • “He has kind eyes.”

    Jack Nicastro Unemployed

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