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CVS To Become First Major Drugstore To Stop Selling Tobacco

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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CVS To Become First Major Drugstore To Stop Selling Tobacco

Though standing to lose $2 billion in annual sales, the CVS Caremark company announced today that it would stop selling cigarettes and other tobacco products by Oct. 1 because they believe it’s inconsistent with their goal of delivering health care to customers. What do you think?’

  • “Thank God Rite Aid doesn’t give a shit about me.”

    Christine Muir Systems Analyst
  • “Good. I don’t want cigarettes sold in the same place I get my flu shot, Red Bull, and mini-donuts.”

    Cory Wheeler Technical College Provost
  • “Whatever, Walgreens has better buckets of toy bulldozers, anyway.”

    Kevin Sears Rec League Organizer

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