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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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CVS To Become First Major Drugstore To Stop Selling Tobacco

Though standing to lose $2 billion in annual sales, the CVS Caremark company announced today that it would stop selling cigarettes and other tobacco products by Oct. 1 because they believe it’s inconsistent with their goal of delivering health care to customers. What do you think?’

  • “Thank God Rite Aid doesn’t give a shit about me.”

    Christine Muir Systems Analyst
  • “Good. I don’t want cigarettes sold in the same place I get my flu shot, Red Bull, and mini-donuts.”

    Cory Wheeler Technical College Provost
  • “Whatever, Walgreens has better buckets of toy bulldozers, anyway.”

    Kevin Sears Rec League Organizer
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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