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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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CVS To Become First Major Drugstore To Stop Selling Tobacco

Though standing to lose $2 billion in annual sales, the CVS Caremark company announced today that it would stop selling cigarettes and other tobacco products by Oct. 1 because they believe it’s inconsistent with their goal of delivering health care to customers. What do you think?’

  • “Thank God Rite Aid doesn’t give a shit about me.”

    Christine Muir Systems Analyst
  • “Good. I don’t want cigarettes sold in the same place I get my flu shot, Red Bull, and mini-donuts.”

    Cory Wheeler Technical College Provost
  • “Whatever, Walgreens has better buckets of toy bulldozers, anyway.”

    Kevin Sears Rec League Organizer

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