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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Da Vinci Code Released

The release of The Da Vinci Code, the long-awaited film adaptation of the bestselling novel, is being met with controversy. What do you think?
  • "This movie is going to be huge. It's got the three elements of every blockbuster: Fine art, obscure religious references, and Audrey Tautou."

    Seymour McLeesh Systems Analyst
  • "I've been waiting my whole life to hear, 'Oh, no, Jesus ditn't!' shouted in a movie theater. Perhaps now that dream may come true."

    Matt Medsker Dramaturge
  • "Yet another film with an evil albino. I put it to you, Hollywood: When are you going to give me a positive albino role model?"

    Larry Brun Production Assistant

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