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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Dallas Declares State Of Emergency

With West Nile virus on the rise nationwide and Texas accounting for more than half of this year’s deaths from the mosquito-borne disease, Dallas mayor Mike Rawlings has declared a state of emergency and ordered the aerial spraying of insecticide. What do you think?

  • “I hope they remember to spray around people’s ankles. That’s where they get you.”

    Kaylan Winter Unemployed
  • "It's nice that Mayor Rawlings was able to keep his campaign promise of spraying chemicals over all his constituents."

    Hernan Ejercito Sail Cutter
  • "Someone should call Africa and see how they fixed their West Nile problem."

    Flo Katz Ticket Agent

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