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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Dallas Declares State Of Emergency

With West Nile virus on the rise nationwide and Texas accounting for more than half of this year’s deaths from the mosquito-borne disease, Dallas mayor Mike Rawlings has declared a state of emergency and ordered the aerial spraying of insecticide. What do you think?

  • “I hope they remember to spray around people’s ankles. That’s where they get you.”

    Kaylan Winter Unemployed
  • "It's nice that Mayor Rawlings was able to keep his campaign promise of spraying chemicals over all his constituents."

    Hernan Ejercito Sail Cutter
  • "Someone should call Africa and see how they fixed their West Nile problem."

    Flo Katz Ticket Agent

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