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Dallas Declares State Of Emergency

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

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Dallas Declares State Of Emergency

With West Nile virus on the rise nationwide and Texas accounting for more than half of this year’s deaths from the mosquito-borne disease, Dallas mayor Mike Rawlings has declared a state of emergency and ordered the aerial spraying of insecticide. What do you think?

  • “I hope they remember to spray around people’s ankles. That’s where they get you.”

    Kaylan Winter
    Unemployed
  • "It's nice that Mayor Rawlings was able to keep his campaign promise of spraying chemicals over all his constituents."

    Hernan Ejercito
    Sail Cutter
  • "Someone should call Africa and see how they fixed their West Nile problem."

    Flo Katz
    Ticket Agent

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