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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'Dallas' Update Draws 7 Million Viewers

TNT's Dallas, a continuation of the classic 1980s prime-time soap opera, premiered Wednesday with 6.9 million viewers, the most of any new scripted show on cable this year. What do you think?

  • “Oh, I bet they propped Linda Gray up in the background wearing something just ravishing, didn’t they?”

    Moe Hernandez Systems Analyst
  • “We should stop relying on oil dynasties and start making soap operas using alternative characters, like feisty social media barons and bitchy heads of NGOs.”

    Mila Dobler Walnut Farmer
  • “It's been a while since I've thought about Patrick Duffy. Not since his birthday a couple years ago.”

    Tom Weston Fuser Rebuilder

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