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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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'Dallas' Update Draws 7 Million Viewers

TNT's Dallas, a continuation of the classic 1980s prime-time soap opera, premiered Wednesday with 6.9 million viewers, the most of any new scripted show on cable this year. What do you think?

  • “Oh, I bet they propped Linda Gray up in the background wearing something just ravishing, didn’t they?”

    Moe Hernandez Systems Analyst
  • “We should stop relying on oil dynasties and start making soap operas using alternative characters, like feisty social media barons and bitchy heads of NGOs.”

    Mila Dobler Walnut Farmer
  • “It's been a while since I've thought about Patrick Duffy. Not since his birthday a couple years ago.”

    Tom Weston Fuser Rebuilder

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