adBlockCheck

'Dallas' Update Draws 7 Million Viewers

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

'Dallas' Update Draws 7 Million Viewers

TNT's Dallas, a continuation of the classic 1980s prime-time soap opera, premiered Wednesday with 6.9 million viewers, the most of any new scripted show on cable this year. What do you think?

  • “Oh, I bet they propped Linda Gray up in the background wearing something just ravishing, didn’t they?”

    Moe Hernandez Systems Analyst
  • “We should stop relying on oil dynasties and start making soap operas using alternative characters, like feisty social media barons and bitchy heads of NGOs.”

    Mila Dobler Walnut Farmer
  • “It's been a while since I've thought about Patrick Duffy. Not since his birthday a couple years ago.”

    Tom Weston Fuser Rebuilder

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close