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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman Separate

Danny DeVito, the 67-year-old actor and producer known for his roles on Taxi and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and actress Rhea Perlman, 64, who famously portrayed Carla Tortelli on Cheers, have separated after 30 years of marriage. What do you think?

  • “I bet it was that home-wrecker Angelina Jolie’s fault again.”

    Colleen Kenworthy Hypnotist
  • “No need to pinch yourselves—you heard right, ladies.”

    Marcus Ackland Olive Brine Tester
  • “He must have met someone scrappier.”

    Harvey Snow Bag Liner

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