adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman Separate

Danny DeVito, the 67-year-old actor and producer known for his roles on Taxi and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and actress Rhea Perlman, 64, who famously portrayed Carla Tortelli on Cheers, have separated after 30 years of marriage. What do you think?

  • “I bet it was that home-wrecker Angelina Jolie’s fault again.”

    Colleen Kenworthy Hypnotist
  • “No need to pinch yourselves—you heard right, ladies.”

    Marcus Ackland Olive Brine Tester
  • “He must have met someone scrappier.”

    Harvey Snow Bag Liner

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close