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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Daughter Taken From Mom After Botox Admission

After telling Good Morning America she gave her 8-year-old Botox injections to make her more competitive in beauty pageants, California mother Kerry Campbell lost custody of her daughter to the state. What do you think?

  • "Well, if that poor little girl sees my daughter in foster care, maybe she can remind her it's heel, toe, step, then smile! We can still win this, Caroline!"

    Mara Oates Housewife
  • "Botox? Come on, who goes to a child beauty pageant to look at the faces?"

    Dean Johnson Systems Analyst
  • "Wow. So that girl gets to stay beautiful forever and gets away from her evil mother? It's like a fairy tale!"

    Stephen Phillips Unemployed

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