Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

David Blaine Accidentally Shoots Self During Trick

Illusionist David Blaine reportedly suffered minor gum and throat injuries while attempting a trick that involved shooting a gun into his face and catching the bullet in a metal cup behind his teeth. What do you think?

  • “A metal cup! Of course!”

    Shaun Collins Pea Sheller
  • “You can only shoot yourself so many times in the mouth before something bad happens.”

    Serena Montoya Sugar Whitener
  • “We shouldn’t allow magicians to have guns. They’re powerful enough.”

    Cameron Browning Crouton Rationer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.