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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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David Bowie Releases First New Music In 10 Years

In a surprise online release on his 66th birthday, innovative British musician David Bowie made public his first new song in almost a decade today, a track titled “Where Are We Now?” that will be featured on his forthcoming studio album The Next Day. What do you think?

  • “Leave it to David Bowie to do something revolutionary like release his music on the Internet.”

    John Waterbury Dissolver Operator
  • “Oh, man. Not making music for 10 years and then releasing a song on your 66th birthday is so Bowie.”

    Kristin Dozier Hydroponics Grower
  • “I’m going to withhold judgment until the most repulsive people on earth leave comments about it on music and news blogs.”

    Donald Okumoto Unemployed

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