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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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David Bowie Releases First New Music In 10 Years

In a surprise online release on his 66th birthday, innovative British musician David Bowie made public his first new song in almost a decade today, a track titled “Where Are We Now?” that will be featured on his forthcoming studio album The Next Day. What do you think?

  • “Leave it to David Bowie to do something revolutionary like release his music on the Internet.”

    John Waterbury Dissolver Operator
  • “Oh, man. Not making music for 10 years and then releasing a song on your 66th birthday is so Bowie.”

    Kristin Dozier Hydroponics Grower
  • “I’m going to withhold judgment until the most repulsive people on earth leave comments about it on music and news blogs.”

    Donald Okumoto Unemployed

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