Daylight Saving Time Earlier

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Good Times

Daylight Saving Time Earlier

Daylight Saving Time went into effect this past weekend, three weeks earlier than usual. What do you think?
  • "I guess that explains why I was seven and a half hours late for work on Monday."

    Tyler Jones
    Fork Lift Operator
  • "Can they move Christmas to May next?"

    Andie McLintock
    Tax Preparer
  • "The early date finally let me live out my fantasy of calling my mom to remind her before she had a chance to call me. Ha ha! Fuck you, Mom."

    Horace Taylor
    X-Ray Technician
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