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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Daylight Saving Time Earlier

Daylight Saving Time went into effect this past weekend, three weeks earlier than usual. What do you think?
  • "I guess that explains why I was seven and a half hours late for work on Monday."

    Tyler Jones Fork Lift Operator
  • "Can they move Christmas to May next?"

    Andie McLintock Tax Preparer
  • "The early date finally let me live out my fantasy of calling my mom to remind her before she had a chance to call me. Ha ha! Fuck you, Mom."

    Horace Taylor X-Ray Technician

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