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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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D.C. Tops In AIDS

The District of Columbia has the highest AIDS rates in the country. What do you think?
  • "At least it'll expedite the time they have to live in abject poverty."

    Susan Olivera Systems Analyst
  • "A high rate is good isn't it? Or am I confusing AIDS with Annual Percentage Yields?"

    Walter Poloni Bookbinder
  • "As a homophobic political humorist, I'd say this qualifies as manna from heaven."

    Richard Turk Humorist

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