adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

D.C. Tops In AIDS

The District of Columbia has the highest AIDS rates in the country. What do you think?
  • "At least it'll expedite the time they have to live in abject poverty."

    Susan Olivera Systems Analyst
  • "A high rate is good isn't it? Or am I confusing AIDS with Annual Percentage Yields?"

    Walter Poloni Bookbinder
  • "As a homophobic political humorist, I'd say this qualifies as manna from heaven."

    Richard Turk Humorist

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close