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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Deadly Strain Of Bird Flu Spreading In China

A strain of avian flu known as H7N9 has infected at least 24 people and killed seven in Eastern China, prompting the government to kill tens of thousands of fowl in an effort to stem the spread. What do you think?

  • “The nice thing is that in China you can just throw dead animals in the river and not worry about it anymore.”

    Aaron Meredith Fine Sander
  • “It’s like every time things are starting to look up for me, the bird flu comes along.”

    Tom Wahlquist Crab Butcher
  • “I’m impressed China even noticed seven people were gone.”

    Linda Kolsrud Battery Tester

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