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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Dean: One Candidate Must Quit

Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean said that, in order to maintain party unity, either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama would have to drop out of the presidential primary race. What do you think?
  • "Shouldn't be a problem. The Clintons have always bowed out gracefully."

    Alice Peralta Systems Analyst
  • "Nah, I bet they could also maintain unity if one of them died in a plane crash."

    Roy Messner Construction Worker
  • "I agree. Americans participating in the democratic process by getting to vote has become a needless waste of time."

    Kenny Stoyanoff Church Organist

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