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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Death Penalty For Hussein?

Chief prosecutor Jaafar al-Moussawi called for the death penalty for Saddam Hussein for crimes against humanity during attacks on Shiite civilians in the 1980s. What do you think?
  • "This is unfair. The man made an honest mistake: he simply thought, when he killed all those people, that he would never have to face the consequences."

    Graham Kincaid Herbalist
  • "I'd just hate for this to be one of those cases where, years later, DNA evidence surfaces linking the mass murder to some other dictator."

    Thomas Dawes Systems Analyst
  • "All this death-penalty speculation is premature. We haven't even heard Saddam's closing arguments yet."

    Alleen Parker Carpet Installer

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