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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Deep Throat Revealed

Last week, former FBI agent Mark Felt revealed that he was Deep Throat, the anonymous source that helped break the Watergate scandal. What do you think?
  • "From the looks of his photo, Mr. Felt took this secret 99.5 percent of the way to the grave."

    Stephen Clowney Banker
  • "Although his motives remain unclear, I definitely believe that Mr. Throat ultimately acted in the best interests of his nation."

    Ruby Afram Special Ed Teacher
  • "He didn't also kill JFK, did he? I'd like to tie up as many loose ends as possible this week."

    Carlos Barrezueta Musician
  • "I had my money on former Nixon speechwriter Ben Stein, largely because I am ignorant and he's been on TV."

    Frances Mejor Receptionist
  • "I'm just glad that longtime suspect Henry Kissinger has finally been vindicated. It's about time his good name was cleared of any lingering charges of right-doing."

    Tad Heuer Systems Analyst
  • "To Leonard Garment, who authored In Search Of Deep Throat and argued that former White House aide John Sears was the mystery informant, I'd like to say one thing: Ha ha ha!"

    Bryan Ketroser Cook

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