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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Defecating Birds Stop Kings Of Leon

After being hit repeatedly by pigeon feces from the rafters of the Verizon Amphitheater in St. Louis, the band Kings of Leon stopped its concert after just three songs. What do you think?

  • "I thought they stopped because they only have three songs."

    Jill Kravinoff Maintenance Mechanic
  • "If you're thinking of buying tickets to Kings of Leon's upcoming show at Louisville's Feral Cat Arena, you might want to save your money."

    Scott Morbius Systems Analyst
  • "What the Kings of Leon didn't realize was that this was a test. And the Kings of Leon failed. And the test was sort of a weird test."

    Noah Beck Bookkeeper
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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