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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Defenders Of Wikileaks Cripple Credit Cards

After MasterCard and Visa stopped letting customers use their services to send financial support to Wikileaks, hackers targeted the credit cards’ websites, making them difficult to access for most of Wednesday. What do you think?

  • "That doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure Americans just did what they do best: used the cash they had on hand for the things they really needed and waited until they’d saved up enough to purchase any luxury items."

    Kyra Walters Systems Analyst
  • "What kind of fascist corporate sheep own a MasterCard in the first place? And I'll go you one further: Fuck the capitalist-puppet Internet and its decadent bourgeois hacker-lackeys, too. There. Wriggle out of that one."

    Mike Totino Retail Clerk
  • "Actually, I think that was mostly me. I kept resubmitting my credit card info to Blinds.com over and over until I realized I put the expiration date in wrong. Sorry."

    Ed von Trapp Warp Clamper

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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

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