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Politics

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Defense Department To Phase Out Stop-Loss Program

Defense Department officials said that, rather than requiring troops to stay on after their term of enlistment expires, they will begin offering them cash incentives to voluntarily continue their service. What do you think?
  • “Between closing Guantánamo Bay and ending stop-loss, this could seriously hurt the U.S. military’s ability to scare American kids into college.”

    Paul Shannon Systems Analyst
  • “And when has anyone ever done anything they didn’t want to do just for money?”

    Jennifer Moss Police Officer
  • "See, that is just like the Pentagon. Thoughtful, considerate, gracious. Class act."

    Michael Cruz Cartographer

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