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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Del Toro To Direct Disney's 'Haunted Mansion'

Guillermo del Toro, director of Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy, announced that his next project would be directing The Haunted Mansion, a film based on the Disney World ride. What do you think?

  • "This is a step up for him. The Hobbit isn't even a ride."

    Larry Bench Systems Analyst
  • "Wow, I didn't realize the list of jobs Americans won't do extended all the way into big-budget film adaptations of theme park attractions."

    Karen Marko Unemployed
  • "I wonder if Disney would be interested in my horror screenplay about a shipload of children who float into a land of diverse ethnicities, but after a short time the children realize that under their colorful costumes all the people look exactly alike and sing the same song constantly?"

    Albert Raxton Writer
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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