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Dell Recalls 4 Million Batteries

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Dell Recalls 4 Million Batteries

In the largest consumer-electronics recall in history, Dell has been forced to call back more than 4 million laptop batteries because of possible fire danger. What do you think?
  • "That's too bad. My Dell laptop's constant overheating was the only thing I could rely on it for."

    Zach Pufall Student
  • "Recalls are such hassles—the packaging, the shipping, the waiting. Frankly, I'd rather save the time and just let my house burn down."

    Casey Hamer Appliance Repairman
  • "Can I have mine shipped straight to the Bangalore call center? Because I'd like 'Jim' to take a shot turning it off and on for awhile."

    Carolle Fields Network Program Assistant

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