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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Dell Recalls 4 Million Batteries

In the largest consumer-electronics recall in history, Dell has been forced to call back more than 4 million laptop batteries because of possible fire danger. What do you think?
  • "That's too bad. My Dell laptop's constant overheating was the only thing I could rely on it for."

    Zach Pufall Student
  • "Recalls are such hassles—the packaging, the shipping, the waiting. Frankly, I'd rather save the time and just let my house burn down."

    Casey Hamer Appliance Repairman
  • "Can I have mine shipped straight to the Bangalore call center? Because I'd like 'Jim' to take a shot turning it off and on for awhile."

    Carolle Fields Network Program Assistant
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