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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Delta Highest In Pet Deaths

According to documents filed with the Federal Aviation Administration, Delta Airlines accounted for 19 of the 35 flying-related pet deaths in 2011. What do you think?

  • "Delta should take the initiative and advertise how great their air filters are at removing so much of the dead pet smell."

    Maxwell Preston Pony Edger
  • "To Delta's credit, though, their employees are willing to go along with the made-up story you tell your kids about how the ol' boy was jettisoned over a beautiful farm upstate."

    Tina Black Wig Dresser
  • "And what’s worse, no set of noise-canceling headphones in the world can drown out the horrible sound of all that ghost barking."

    Guy Lukin Unemployed
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