Democratic National Convention Opens

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Vol 48 Issue 36

Area Woman Dumped On 15-Week Anniversary

TACOMA, WA—Insult compounded romantic injury Saturday when local boyfriend Charles Pond not only broke up with Karen Brunhoff, the woman he has dated since last spring, but reportedly “had the nerve” to dump her on the couple’s 15-...

New Zipcarp Service Offers Short-Term Carp Rentals

BOSTON—Announcing its plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own, Zipcarp Inc. launched a brand-new fish-sharing service earlier this month.

NFL On Fox

Fox 12:00 p.m. EDT/11:00 a.m. CDT In the empty, darkened studio, Terry Bradshaw waits quietly for someone to josh with.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Democratic National Convention Opens

The three-day Democratic National Convention kicks off today at the Time Warner Cable Arena in Charlotte, NC, with prime-time addresses from first lady Michelle Obama and San Antonio mayor Julián Castro, the event’s keynote speaker. What do you think?

  • “As a white voter, I’m not sure which prime-time speaker is supposed to appeal to me.”

    Faizon Arad
    Unemployed
  • “More politics? But we had politics last week.”

    Kate Paskowitz
    Mail-Order Clerk
  • “Wow. I can’t believe they got the mayor of one of America’s top 50 cities to speak.”

    Grant Safris
    Sound Effects Supervisor
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