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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Democrats Give Up On Assault Weapons Ban

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said that renewing a ban on assault weapons, a key provision of the gun control package sought by President Obama following the Newtown, CT shooting, would not be part of gun legislation in the Senate. What do you think?

  • “Well, the important thing is they almost tried.”

    Laurel Bankston Systems Analyst
  • “With so much bickering in Congress, it’s nice to see AK-47s get some bipartisan support.”

    Brad Roach Shoe Dyer
  • “If only the gunmen of 2012 had killed more people.”

    Robert Lutter Lens Mounter

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