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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Democrats In Disarray

Having lost control of the Senate and lacking a clear leader and message, the Democratic Party appears to be in disarray. What do you think?
  • "As a Democrat, I have high hopes in 2004 for Rep. Tom Lanford, a charismatic young centrist from Ohio with a clear vision for the party. Okay, I just made him up."

    Marjorie Stamp Nurse
  • "In this time of war, the Democrats have unselfishly recognized that America simply cannot afford to have two strong, competing parties."

    Al Fanseca Systems Analyst
  • "All the Democrats I've talked to know exactly what they stand for: not being Republicans."

    Rick Snell Carpenter
  • "The Democrats need to find a guy who can shoot lightning out of his fingertips. I'd vote for that guy."

    Donald Paul Tour Guide
  • "One solution to the Democrats' woes is to try to attract more fat, gray-haired white men with lots of sinister connections."

    Rachel Cone Freelance Writer
  • "It's not as bad as it could be. The Democrats could be desperate enough to run Walter Mondale agai–oh, shit."

    Mike Ansel Lawyer

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