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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Democrats In Disarray

Having lost control of the Senate and lacking a clear leader and message, the Democratic Party appears to be in disarray. What do you think?
  • "As a Democrat, I have high hopes in 2004 for Rep. Tom Lanford, a charismatic young centrist from Ohio with a clear vision for the party. Okay, I just made him up."

    Marjorie Stamp Nurse
  • "In this time of war, the Democrats have unselfishly recognized that America simply cannot afford to have two strong, competing parties."

    Al Fanseca Systems Analyst
  • "All the Democrats I've talked to know exactly what they stand for: not being Republicans."

    Rick Snell Carpenter
  • "The Democrats need to find a guy who can shoot lightning out of his fingertips. I'd vote for that guy."

    Donald Paul Tour Guide
  • "One solution to the Democrats' woes is to try to attract more fat, gray-haired white men with lots of sinister connections."

    Rachel Cone Freelance Writer
  • "It's not as bad as it could be. The Democrats could be desperate enough to run Walter Mondale agai–oh, shit."

    Mike Ansel Lawyer

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