adBlockCheck

Recent News

Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Democrats To Call For Same-Sex Marriage

For the first time ever, Democrats appear set to include marriage equality as an official plank in their platform when they meet this September in Charlotte, NC for their national convention. What do you think?

  • “This is really going to hurt their standing with people who would never vote for a Democrat.”

    Vernon McIntyre Airbrush Painter
  • “A spoiler alert would have been nice. I like to wait until the conventions to find out what each party’s platform is.”

    Fred Nguyen Feed Grinder
  • “You can’t stop progress! Until November, that is.”

    Jan Krantz Water Meter Installer

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close