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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Dennis Rodman Returns To North Korea

Six months after he visited on a goodwill tour with the Harlem Globetrotters, former NBA star Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea to “just have a good time” with his “friend” Kim Jong-un, the isolated country’s 29-year-old leader. What do you think?

  • “Shouldn’t we be more focused on Syria? Assad could use a buddy, too.”

    Jeremy Yu Wire Bender
  • “I like their friendship. It reminds me of when a duck and a cat become pals.”

    Hank Jarvis Tapioca Processor
  • “Have fun, you two!”

    Ellen Lyon Embroiderer

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