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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Dentistry Postpones Lil Wayne Prison Term

Though scheduled to face sentencing on weapons charges, rapper Lil Wayne, born Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., had his imprisonment postponed Tuesday so that a dentist could fix his cracked tooth. What do you think?
  • "That's the oldest trick in the book. He's just going to the dentist to get his hands on one of those complimentary toothbrushes, which he can then whittle into a shiv."

    Mark Andrews Outside Sales Representative
  • "A similar thing happened to me, but it was just a cavity. Also, it was a water park, not jail."

    Marvin Allen Insurance Agent
  • "I'm beginning to suspect that Lil Wayne doesn't want to go to prison."

    Kari Marsh Financial Advisor
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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