adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Depression Accelerates Aging

Lab tests have shown that the cells of people who have suffered from severe depression appeared biologically older than the cells of non-depressed individuals, suggesting that the mental affliction speeds up the aging process in our bodies. What do you think?

  • “I had no idea Kirk Douglas was so depressed.”

    Heather Delbert Metal Polisher
  • “It’s a good thing I avoid depression by going to the tanning booth and eating whatever I want.”

    Diego Zuber Naval Architect
  • “Just in case you were wondering, happiness won’t make you any younger.”

    Jeremy Ashwill Vehicle Painter

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close