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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Depression Accelerates Aging

Lab tests have shown that the cells of people who have suffered from severe depression appeared biologically older than the cells of non-depressed individuals, suggesting that the mental affliction speeds up the aging process in our bodies. What do you think?

  • “I had no idea Kirk Douglas was so depressed.”

    Heather Delbert Metal Polisher
  • “It’s a good thing I avoid depression by going to the tanning booth and eating whatever I want.”

    Diego Zuber Naval Architect
  • “Just in case you were wondering, happiness won’t make you any younger.”

    Jeremy Ashwill Vehicle Painter
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