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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Depression Accelerates Aging

Lab tests have shown that the cells of people who have suffered from severe depression appeared biologically older than the cells of non-depressed individuals, suggesting that the mental affliction speeds up the aging process in our bodies. What do you think?

  • “I had no idea Kirk Douglas was so depressed.”

    Heather Delbert Metal Polisher
  • “It’s a good thing I avoid depression by going to the tanning booth and eating whatever I want.”

    Diego Zuber Naval Architect
  • “Just in case you were wondering, happiness won’t make you any younger.”

    Jeremy Ashwill Vehicle Painter

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