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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Depression Sufferers Smoke More

A new study reveals that 43 percent of adults who suffer from depression smoke, and that depressed people are less inclined to quit than other smokers. What do you think?

  • "Yeah, depressed people are so cool and sophisticated."

    Chance Ribot Unemployed
  • "Aggravating the problem is how readily nicotine binds to the brain's why-bother-even-getting-out-of-bed receptors."

    Danny Edson Social Worker
  • "Well, you know who's not going to move out on me because its skirt keeps getting stained with nicotine from sitting on the couch? This pack of Camels right here."

    Meredith Lurie Jack Setter

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