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Depression Sufferers Smoke More

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Depression Sufferers Smoke More

A new study reveals that 43 percent of adults who suffer from depression smoke, and that depressed people are less inclined to quit than other smokers. What do you think?

  • "Yeah, depressed people are so cool and sophisticated."

    Chance Ribot Unemployed
  • "Aggravating the problem is how readily nicotine binds to the brain's why-bother-even-getting-out-of-bed receptors."

    Danny Edson Social Worker
  • "Well, you know who's not going to move out on me because its skirt keeps getting stained with nicotine from sitting on the couch? This pack of Camels right here."

    Meredith Lurie Jack Setter

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