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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Depression & The Second Lady

Last week, former clinical-depression sufferer Tipper Gore held a conference at the White House to raise awareness of mental illness, from which she said 50 million Americans suffer. What do you think about Gore's effort to draw attention to mental health?
  • "I always wondered about the origin of the phrase, 'As batshit insane as a vice-president's wife.'"

    Bryce King Forklift Operator
  • "As Quiet Riot noted, metal health is an extremely serious issue, which, if not detected and treated early, will drive you mad."

    Javier Orza Cashier
  • "When I'm feeling down, there's one sure fire way to get me back on my feet: I start a nationwide right-wing morality crusade against some harmless teen music fad."

    Diane Weston Caterer
  • "What's the big deal? If Tipper becomes too depressed while in office, someone else can cook the state dinners."

    Erick Walker Systems Analyst
  • "Maybe if Tipper tried a little harder to make friends, she wouldn't be so depressed."

    Jill Poulian Librarian
  • "I applaud Tipper Gore for taking a brave stand on this issue. Just between you and me, though, I just knew the bitch was nuts."

    Alan Kretchmer Investment Banker

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