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DHS Cuts New York Defense

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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DHS Cuts New York Defense

The City of New York is up in arms after its Homeland-Security budget was slashed nearly in half. What do you think?
  • "It's about time we shifted that money to protect cities like Omaha, where the world's largest ball of stamps sits completely unsecured."

    Mark Jameson Busboy
  • "I'm sick of New Yorkers bragging about all their fancy targets. Take one look at Mackinac Island's fudge-shop row and tell me that wouldn't give a terrorist a few ideas."

    Gina Baird Systems Analyst
  • "The news coincides perfectly with the release of my guidebook Protecting New York On $10 A Day."

    Ted Gillespie Admissions Agent

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