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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Dick Cheney's Heart

Last week, vice-president Dick Cheney, a four-time heart-attack victim, underwent angioplasty surgery. What do you think about his heart problems?
  • "Wait a second: I thought Bush was the one with the heart, and Cheney was the one with the brains."

    Adrienne Knox Student
  • "Dick Cheney's heart may be a mass of marbleized fat and its arteries choked with bacon rind, but to me, it's made of one thing: pure gold."

    Benjamin Evans Systems Analyst
  • "If Cheney ever has a heart attack during a press conference, he should clutch his chest and shout, 'Elizabeth, I'm comin'!'"

    Pete Powell Clerk
  • "Cheney has failed to heed the cautionary words of Billy Joel, who warns that working too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack."

    Carolyn Hester Caterer
  • "As a doctor holding a plastic, cross-sectioned model of a human heart, let me just say this: Think of the heart as a piston in a car engine..."

    Marc Andersen Cardiologist
  • "So Cheney went back to work a day after heart surgery? I gotta hand it to him–he practices what he preaches, healthcare-wise."

    Bud Lathrop Roofer

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