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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Dick Cheney's Heart

Last week, vice-president Dick Cheney, a four-time heart-attack victim, underwent angioplasty surgery. What do you think about his heart problems?
  • "Wait a second: I thought Bush was the one with the heart, and Cheney was the one with the brains."

    Adrienne Knox Student
  • "Dick Cheney's heart may be a mass of marbleized fat and its arteries choked with bacon rind, but to me, it's made of one thing: pure gold."

    Benjamin Evans Systems Analyst
  • "If Cheney ever has a heart attack during a press conference, he should clutch his chest and shout, 'Elizabeth, I'm comin'!'"

    Pete Powell Clerk
  • "Cheney has failed to heed the cautionary words of Billy Joel, who warns that working too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack."

    Carolyn Hester Caterer
  • "As a doctor holding a plastic, cross-sectioned model of a human heart, let me just say this: Think of the heart as a piston in a car engine..."

    Marc Andersen Cardiologist
  • "So Cheney went back to work a day after heart surgery? I gotta hand it to him–he practices what he preaches, healthcare-wise."

    Bud Lathrop Roofer

More from this section

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.