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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Dick Clark Dead

Former American Bandstand host and television producer Dick Clark died yesterday at 82. What do you think?

  • "My plan to be discovered in 1965, appear on American Bandstand, and become a musical sensation is getting tougher by the day."

    Lisa Berry Kettle Tender
  • “Finally! Our last obstacle to having a solitary and depressing New Year’s Eve is gone.”

    Michael Hicks Flame Degreaser
  • “Can I stop listening to rock ’n’ roll now?”

    Jonathan DePaiva High School Foods Teacher

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