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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Die Young, Live Fast

A recent survey suggests teens who believe they'll die at a young age are more likely to engage in risky behavior. What do you think?

  • "These kids sound really awesome. I wish I'd had a more messed up worldview when I was younger."

    Mara Carlton Systems Analyst
  • "I don't know about this. I live by a school and have put a running chainsaw in the hands of hundreds of teens as they've walked by over the years and not one was willing to climb my oak tree and saw off the limb that hangs over the garage."

    Nick Barnes Cradle Placer
  • "My teen isn't going to die young! He and his friends are going to live forever! SENIORS '09!"

    Scott Bird Incendiaries Supervisor

After Birth

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