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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Diet Could Affect Gender

A new report from Oxford and the University of Exeter in England says that diet at conception can influence the sex of the child. What do you think?
  • "I want a girl but only have ketchup and boiled ham in the fridge. Where does that put me?"

    Kendall Richards Systems Analyst
  • "Maybe, one day, the foods that we eat during conception will stop us from making huge mistakes with dishwasher repairmen from Rahway."

    Elizabeth Houston Bus Driver
  • "And if I'm not mistaken, I heard the diet after birth can influence the weight of the child."

    Beau Justice Drop Forge Operator
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