Diet Soda Linked To Depression

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Vol 49 Issue 03

Bowling!

Let’s go! Come on, it’ll be fun. Have you ever been to the Lucky Star Lanes? They turn on a bunch of neon lights and play disco music after 9!

Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society Friday, sewing together the dismembered body parts to construct a new, horrific tight...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Diet Soda Linked To Depression

A new study has found a link between clinical depression and the frequent consumption of sweetened fruit drinks, soft drinks, and iced tea, with diet products in particular being associated with higher incidences of the mood disorder. What do you think?

  • “Listen, please just tell me what I have to drink to get my life back on track.”

    Wally Strom
    Unemployed
  • “This doesn’t make sense. How could fruit punch or iced tea make you sad when they have all those pictures of suns on the bottle?”

    Debby Balsam
    Roof Bolter
  • “Ooh, is there a drink associated with being tall?”

    Julio Moreno
    Velvet Steamer
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