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Diet Soda Linked To Depression

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Diet Soda Linked To Depression

A new study has found a link between clinical depression and the frequent consumption of sweetened fruit drinks, soft drinks, and iced tea, with diet products in particular being associated with higher incidences of the mood disorder. What do you think?

  • “Listen, please just tell me what I have to drink to get my life back on track.”

    Wally Strom Unemployed
  • “This doesn’t make sense. How could fruit punch or iced tea make you sad when they have all those pictures of suns on the bottle?”

    Debby Balsam Roof Bolter
  • “Ooh, is there a drink associated with being tall?”

    Julio Moreno Velvet Steamer

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