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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Dieting Doesn't Work

According to a comprehensive review of 31 long-term studies, scientists at the University of California say that dieting does not result in permanent weight loss. What do you think?
  • "As the owner of a sweat pants warehouse, this couldn't be better news."

    Marc LeSage Systems Analyst
  • "That's okay with me since I only diet to lose weight for specific occasions like special events, vacations, or when I want my ex- boyfriends to regret dumping me."

    Becca Potter Mail Sorter
  • "When will Americans learn that dieting is not enough and must be combined with a healthy regimen of amphetamines to ensure weight loss."

    Neil Gaines Armored Car Driver
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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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