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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Dieting Doesn't Work

According to a comprehensive review of 31 long-term studies, scientists at the University of California say that dieting does not result in permanent weight loss. What do you think?
  • "As the owner of a sweat pants warehouse, this couldn't be better news."

    Marc LeSage Systems Analyst
  • "That's okay with me since I only diet to lose weight for specific occasions like special events, vacations, or when I want my ex- boyfriends to regret dumping me."

    Becca Potter Mail Sorter
  • "When will Americans learn that dieting is not enough and must be combined with a healthy regimen of amphetamines to ensure weight loss."

    Neil Gaines Armored Car Driver

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